Saturday, December 26, 2009

Day After Christmas Depression?

I thought I might experience the "Christmas is over" let down this year, but so far I'm good. Maybe I'm good because there are still several things to look forward to coming up: New Years, our 2 year anniversary (Saturday), and last but not least - the National Championship game January 7th.

We received some really nice things this year, but if I had to pick a favorite I would have to say it was new bar stools given to us by my sister and her partner. They were the EXACT ones we wanted - dark wood, backed, perfect height. They are GREAT!

They did get me in trouble though the first time I planted my butt in one though. Mitchell was on the other side of the bar section, so in the moment I blurted out, "I'll have a beer!" I was completely joking, but according to Michelle this was inappropriate, and on top of that I got the, "they are not your servants." Really? Guess I had it all wrong!

The kids liked their stuff. The bulk of it was money. Apparently 15 and 18 year olds like cash. Who knew???

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas Cards

Next year I think I will print my own Christmas cards. I saved these images, because I think they have great potential...



For my not-so-favorite family & friends. Nothing says Christmas quite like a abominable snow monster being attacked by an ape. Sure, this is a Christmas card that will not be taped to the doorway or fridge, yet one that will not soon be forgotten.




Dare I even say it? Yeah, I have to. "I pity the fool who doesn't like this Christmas card!!!" Is that Nancy Regan on Mr. T's, er, Santa's lap? Weird.




Wrapped and ready? Holy crap, had I known I could have requested a carton of smokes from Santa my Christmas list would have been totally different! Wonder if he has Bud Light wrapped and ready as well?




As usual, I saved the best for last. This one speaks for itself.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

A Christmas Carol

Finally have a weekend with nothing much to do. Last week was crazy busy, filled with things both good and bad.

My youngest brother, Adam, was in town. We went to see the new "A Christmas Carol" movie.



It got mixed reviews:

LD: "It was pretty good. The 3-D snow was great."

Michelle: "It was REALLY good! I'd pay to see it again!"

Amy: "Eh, it was ok. The ghosts sucked."

Adam: "It was scary! If I was a kid watching that, I would have crapped my pants!"

I do believe the true meaning of the movie (any version of it) would be completely lost on a child. I mean, they haven't been alive long enough to have done a bunch of messed up stuff, or have regrets. Adults, however, are sitting there thinking, "Maybe I should quit acting like a jerk."

I guess a bright kid could possibly benefit by deriving the thought, "If I never act like a little turd I won't have to worry about this crap." That, of course, is a good thing and would make it worth taking kids to see it.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

California Bound

"Determin­ation was the mindset. Domination was the goal. Delirium was the result.

No. 2 Alabama 32, No. 1 Florida 13.

And now the destination: California, here comes the Southeastern Conference champion Crimson Tide (13-0)."



ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

She's Always A Woman To Me

Our kitty, Nancy, became a woman this week. We responded by quickly rushing her to the vet to un-womanize her. She made it through the surgery fine, and seems no worse for the wear. I'm sure Sid is disappointed, and angry with us, as he didn't get the chance to bolster his manhood.

The girl child went with us to pick her up from the vet. I asked the nurse could we bring her in next. One can dream.

Monday, November 30, 2009

If You Can Read This...You're Too Close!

One of the worst things about buying a new car is the extra things you have to do like changing your insurance, and going to the court house to transfer your tag. The tag part is especially painful if you live in Alabama, where there are about two employees for every hundred people waiting in line.

I procrastinated as long as I could, but since I had already arranged to take today off work I had to bite the bullet and get it over with. I knew I was in trouble the moment I pulled up and saw all the cars. Several blocks later, I was able to park and walk in the pouring down rain to bowels of hell.

Once I made it past security I started sizing up the line, one that went all the way down one hallway, and curved into another. 99% of the people in line looked like they were in the wrong place, and should have been in the county jail down the street instead. It's ALWAYS like that. Where do these people come from?

Somberly, I took my place in line behind a man that would have been in the 1% normal percentage, but seemed to have ants in his pants. You know the type - HATES to wait in line, and thinks acting like he needs to be somewhere more important is going to speed things along.

By this point I am really starting to feel my agitation level rise. And just when I think it won't get any worse...here she comes...the old lady from hell.

Honestly, I have a soft spot for the elderly, and when I first saw her I didn't think much of it. But then she took her spot behind me, or more specifically, ON TOP of me. Seriously, I could feel her coat on my back. This is NOT OK WITH ME.

Immediately my nostrils were penetrated with the smell of socks that have been worn for weeks, even months, without being washed. I'm trying not to breathe, fighting the urge the vomit, and praying that no one will think the smell is coming from me since it would have been hard to tell the two of us apart with her riding piggy back on me.

While all of these thoughts are running through my head, she decides to speak to me, or think out loud. "I have more aches and pains this morning than a doctor has pills." I prefer to think she was thinking aloud, because I didn't respond. Did that stop her? Hell no.

An on and on it goes for two hours. I take a step, she gets right back on me. I'm getting dizzy from the purposeful lack of oxygen. She continues her break down of each ailment despite the fact that I am clearly unwilling to play the game.

Just when every shred of my patience is exhausted, I hear those magic words, "Next"!

She is called soon after, steps up to the counter next to mine, and I overhear the employee telling her that she did not bring every document needed, and will have to come back at another time.

I paused to say a little prayer of thanks that I would not be her next victim, hurried out the door into the rain filled fresh air, took a deep breath, then patted myself on the back for surviving.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Where in the World

I last blogged on October 25th.

WTH happened?

A) Took time off to film my very own episode of Intervention in which I held strong and DID NOT get on the plane.

B) All of my fingers were broken during a drunken round of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" that got wayyyyy out of hand.

C) We won the lottery and have been vacationing in the South of France.


Ok, ok - none of the above. Just busy. Lame, but true.

So let me get back into things by giving a simple run down (in no particular order)...

*Nancy the cat is having what we like to call "nocturnal episodes". The Christmas trees are not amused or immune.

*Thanksgiving was the bomb. Only one round of leftovers to go. Maybe I will freeze the rest of my Mother's dressing and eat it during the Summer.

*Alabama finished the season undefeated by beating Auburn. 12-0 record...headed to Atlanta next week for the SEC championship against #1 Florida.

*My fantasy football team continued to stink despite all my screaming, crying, and praying to the football gods.

*I turned 39, and am counting the seconds down to the big 4-0.

*Mrs. Leslie is fine, and still thinks I am the cat's meow even though she has to return to work tomorrow and I do not.


Goodbye, and Roll Tide.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I'll Make It

BAMA 12, TENNESSEE 10





I'm still trying to recover from this one. Chest pains have gone away, but my back is still feeling the "jump and run" I did immediately after Mount Cody blocked the FG.

Mrs. Leslie is ok though. She stayed seated during it all...clueless as to what was even going on, or what had just happened.

For a brief second just before the blocked FG as I am sitting there with sweaty palms, heart about to beat out of my chest, I was jealous of her ability to take it all in stride, but the second the kick was blocked I remembered why I love this team, and why I love this game so much. Any physical ailments, injuries or disabilities I might incur while watching are totally worth it!


Movie of the week:



"Based on the lives that inspired the Maysles Brothers' classic documentary, this HBO Films drama tells the story of "Big Edie" Beale (Jessica Lange) and her daughter "Little Edie" (Drew Barrymore), who forged a unique bond while living in a ramshackle East Hampton mansion."

This was totally watchable, but strange. Maybe just strange with Drew Barrymore playing such an old, odd character. Something I'm not used to. Women, you might like it. Guys, probably not so much.

Monday, October 19, 2009

In Search Of...

My Google searches of the day.

Search for: "weird doughnuts"

Result:



Mr. Miyagi! Dat you? Never expected to find you here. Tell me, what has Daniel Son been up to?


Search for: "weird potato chips"

Result:



I had no idea that Kathy, Maria, and Rasheeda had their own chips! Is it just me, or does Kathy look like she needs a cast on that broken leg? Easy, Kathy. You could cause permanent damage.


Search for: "weird corn"

Result:



Corn dogs on a pizza??? FREAKING BRILLIANT! Two guesses what we're having for dinner tomorrow night! My version will be stick-less though.


Search for: "weird sausage"

Result:



I most certainly will. And I suggest you do as well. Otherwise, all hell will break loose. I think.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

One

It's cold here. Windy and cold. I love it and hate it at the same time. It finally feels like Fall, but my feet are cold.

I'm craving Chinese steamed dumplings, but Mrs. Leslie keeps giving me the motherly, "We have food here." Ok, we do, but...we don't have steamed dumplings here! I do know we are out of milk, so maybe I can at least score some Cajun Crab Dip from Publix. That stuff is the bomb.

Stop asking how Bama did last night! I'm about to tell you. Sheesh!


Alabama 20, South Carolina 6




This was NOT a pretty win. Unless you base it only on Mark Ingram's 246 rushing yards. THAT was a thing of beauty.

None of the top three teams played well yesterday, but I guess our performance was the best of the three because this morning we have jumped Florida and claimed the #1 ranking.

We have Tennessee next week. LSU after that. Roll Tide!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Tiny Dancer

Let me just tell you that last night's Ghost Hunters was the bomb diggity. If you missed it my Great Aunt Tilly (the one on my Mother's side) is going to haunt you!

Fantasy football still not going well. So bad in fact, that I received the "Dumbass of the Week" award:



I won for not starting a receiver that scored 37 points. I tried to veto it, but my damn brother held firm. He gives out the "award", so some would say I should NEVER get it, but that's not how we work. John, if you read this, "Tiny Dancer" is STILL ON YOU!

Long work week. So happy that tomorrow is Friday.

Bama takes on South Carolina this weekend. Should be another good one. Hope we come out on top!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Interview

Finally got to "interview" my brother about what he is eating in Tokyo. Here is the condensed version:

Leslie: so tell me...what have you had to eat there?

Adam: well it is something new everyday. half the **** i dont even know what it is. i ate an eel cookie today

Leslie: was it good?

Adam: very strange look like fish tasted like a sugar cookie. yeah it was great.

Leslie: any dumplings?

Adam: my first meal here you paid outside of the restaurant at a vending machine then you walk in and the chef came to you table to give you the food. YES the best in the world.

Leslie: I'm jealous.

Adam: there is this tiny little noodle shop it sits like 6 people at a time and i got this bowl of noodle soup with pork and corn and kinds of stuff and the best dumplings i have ever tasted. they were amazing. i am here for two more weeks you could come and visit. ill put you up.

Leslie: God, I wish! How do you know what you are ordering? Does anyone speak Engrish?

Adam: there are pictures. everyone tries to but it doesn't always work out. i have also found crazy good italian. random but so good.

Leslie: that is random

Adam: i ate a piece candy yesterday that tasted like raw biscuit dough stuffed with refried beans rolled in powder sugar. not my favorite.

Leslie: Their desserts just are funky. probably why no one is fat there.

Adam: they dont know how to do them for sure. that and they give you the smallest portions known to man. you order a soda and they give you a thimble.

Leslie: LOL! Order two, or four. is it expensive?

Adam: it is pretty pricey on a lot of things. i went to a random mexican place and got charged $40 for tacos and two coronas. i almost **** my pants.

Leslie: Holy ****!

Adam: you are telling me


So now I know. As suspected, I am not disappointed.


It's Sunday, so I guess you know what comes next...

BAMA 22, OLE MISS 3




The 22-3 win doesn't describe Alabama's domination
By Paul Gattis -- The Huntsville Times

"OXFORD, Miss. - This was cold. This was ruthless. This was relentless.

This was a 22-3 win that could not have been more convincing as a 50-0 blowout.

Alabama pounded Ole Miss without conscience, without regard to the largest crowd in stadium history, without concern for the growing notion that the Crimson Tide may indeed be the nation's best.

Do not be fooled by the score. Do not think Alabama is vulnerable.

Alabama, in football terms, killed Ole Miss on Saturday. To have done it by a more lopsided score would have been overkill.

And once was enough.

"We just play our ball," defensive tackle Terrence Cody said. "We don't showboat. We just go out, execute and play our game."

Name your score and it would have been a misnomer. Alabama 22, Ole Miss 3 was dominating, suffocating and captivating.

Even Alabama coach Nick Saban, Mr. Gloomy himself, did everything but bring a thesaurus to his postgame press conference to heap praise on his team.

"We really competed for 60 minutes in the game," Saban said. "We played hard, played physical. Everybody sold out for the team. That's great."

More Saban: "Great effort. Man, I can't tell you how proud I am of the effort and the toughness and the competitive character that our players showed in this game."

Remember that the Rebels once had a cause. They once were ranked No. 4 in the nation, once charmed more than one genius into thinking they could win the SEC West.

But the Crimson Tide stormed into Vaught-Hemingway Stadium and reminded Ole Miss who is boss.

Ole Miss scored its fewest points in a game since the dreary days of Ed Orgeron during the 0-8 SEC season of 2007. Ole Miss had 19 yards on 22 plays in the first half. Ole Miss quarterback Jevan Snead threw four interceptions.

"This was probably the most complete tam win we've had this year in a difficult situation," Saban said.

This was a chilling performance on a chilly day, despite its imperfections.

"We've always got to get better," linebacker Rolando McClain said. "I never feel satisfied with what I do. I don't think my teammates do. I think they've bought into it, that we can always get better."

Line 'em up and Alabama will knock 'em down: South Carolina, Tennessee, LSU, Mississippi State, Chattanooga, Auburn.

Only Alabama, it appears, can stop Alabama at this point -- no matter what confidence the benign score of 22-3 may falsely feed to the rest of the SEC.

"We ain't worried about the score," McClain. "As a defense, we're just out there trying to stop the offense and I think that's what we did. "

A flaw? The offense failed to score a touchdown on five trips inside the Ole Miss 20.

"Unacceptable," tailback Mark Ingram said.

And self-awareness is why Alabama is a cold, ruthless, relentless team.

"The key to the drill is, Can we stay focused on dong the things we need to do to improve to be as good as we can be and not get complacent?" Saban said. "That's the key to the drill."

And the key to drilling one team after another.

Because, at this point, evidence screams only Alabama can stop Alabama."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Paranormal Activity

Big game today against Ole Miss. Kick off at 2:30pm. This will be a tough one. I think we'll take care of business, but can't help but be nervous since Ole Miss was ranked as high as #4, and has the best team they've had in a million years.

I've been following the possible nationwide release of the movie Paranormal Activity.



Premise: "Soon after moving into a suburban tract home, Katie (Katie Featherston) and Micah (Micah Sloat) become increasingly disturbed by what appears to be a supernatural presence. Hoping to capture evidence of the haunting on film, Katie and Micah set up video cameras in their home, but they are not prepared for the terrifying occurrences which follow."

All of the buzz has been about how damn scary it's supposed to be. Of course I wanted to see it, but it wasn't playing in Birmingham. Through promotion they set up a site and claimed that if over a million people requested it, it would be shown nationwide. Well, they got their million requests, and it opens everywhere on October 16th. Yay!

I do have one concern though...the entire movie took only 7 days to make, and was done on a budget of $11,000. Sounds very Blair Witchy to me. I'm still bitter about the whole Blair Witch thing.

My youngest brother is in working in Tokyo right now. I can't wait to ask him about the people, the scenery, but being a foodie, I mostly want to know what he is eating! One summer he and I made a vow to not eat the same thing twice for the entire three months. He's a total food adventurer, and I know he won't disappoint. So Adam, if you read this - message me and let me know what you are eating. Especially if it involves fish eyes and stinky tofu!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Balls to the Wall

Squeezed in one movie this weekend:



My vote? Don't waste your time unless you are between 15 and 17 years old, full of angst, and have about two hours to kill.


Hmmm...what else?

*I like Cheese Nips...even the low fat ones.

*Poor Mrs. Leslie has a hideous, I mean barely noticeable, zit on her cheek.

*It's already October 5th and I have not one single Halloween decoration out. Very unlike me.

*If all goes well tonight the Clover Valley Stoners might sneak a win in this week.

*Sid and Nancy had a fight this afternoon. Pretty brutal. We are considering counseling.



And the results are in...

BAMA 38, KENTUCKY 20




I won't claim it was the "prettiest" game we've played this season, but we definitely got the job done.

So where do we stand so far this season you ask?

9/5 at 7 Virginia Tech W 34 - 24
9/12 vs. Florida International W 40 - 14
9/19 vs. North Texas W 53 - 7
9/26 vs. Arkansas W 35 - 7
10/3 at Kentucky W 38 - 20


Who's left you ask?

10/10 at 20 Mississippi
10/17 vs. 25 South Carolina
10/24 vs. Tennessee
11/7 vs. 4 LSU
11/14 at Mississippi State
11/21 vs. Chattanooga
11/27 at 17 Auburn

Other than Chattanooga, OUCH! No room for error. Balls to the wall.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I Fell!

Mrs. Leslie and I play this "game" called, "I fell!" Basically it works like this...whenever one or the other is feeling the need for some attention to be thrown our way we pretend to fall down, announce loudly, "I FELL!!!" and then wait for the other to come running.

"Falling" can be as simple as lifting your head half way up off the bed then letting it collapse. A big fall would be to go from standing to actually collapsing on the bed or couch. This would be considered a big fall. One does garner more attention than the other, but the main thing is to be certain to announce your fall.

Ok, you get the picture.

So yesterday she was doing her thing and I was doing mine when I decided it was time to "fall." I made sure to make this one a "big fall." On cue Mrs. Leslie comes running. When she arrives I quickly announce, "I'm unconscious." Of course this is retarded for obvious reasons, and I'm still laughing about it today.

The big football games this week are Bama @ Kentucky and Auburn @ Tennessee. Alabama should handle Kentucky, so the game to watch will be Auburn/Tennessee.

There's a new ghost show premiering next week on Discovery Channel called Ghost Lab.



"With the help of the latest technology, two brothers have uncovered some of the most powerful results in supernatural research to date — including a recording of Civil War soldiers talking. Meet Brad and Barry Klinge, Texas natives who in 2007 founded Everyday Paranormal, an investigation team that has explored more than 70 locations and set a new standard in supernatural research with some of the world’s most sophisticated equipment housed in a decked-out traveling "ghost lab."

Traveling the country, the 24-foot car hauler can provide 200,000 watts of electricity to power audio-, video- and photo-analysis stations; flat-screen televisions; and an interactive touch-screen smart board. The lab houses surveillance video cameras capable of shooting 300 feet away in total darkness with a 180-degree peripheral view; temperature, humidity and dew point data loggers; various digital cameras, including thermal-imaging cameras; audio recorders; and more than 8,000 feet of video cable. This on-site high-tech lab enables investigators to analyze data on the premises in real time, helping them to more narrowly focus their investigations on known hot spots.
Join the Klinge brothers, along with some of the world's foremost specialists in science measurements, as they devise and test cutting-edge theories during their investigations, in Ghost Lab. The all-new series premieres Tuesday, Oct. 6, at 10 p.m. ET/PT."

Hope it's not like Ghost Adventures...or Paranormal State. Both of those were (are) disappointing as hell.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Opinions

Let's see what babies have to say about my sub-par fantasy football team...



Damn, baby! Take it easy! At least I don't poop and pee my pants! (not often anyway)


Let's try the abominable snowman...



Oh, is that so? Now tell me how you really feel.

Don't make me kick ya where the good Lord split ya, brotha!



Edna Garrett???



Ha! I knew someone would be on my side! Come on baby cakes, I'm taking you to Sizzler!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Eeeek!



I took some new diet pills today in a effort to shed some of the "love pounds" I've put on the past year and a half. Took two in the morning and two in the afternoon. Never again. A few times I felt like I was going to pass out, a few times I felt like was going to puke, and about ten times I was sure my heart was going to explode.

It could have had something to do with the strict warning not to have caffeine while taking them, and being the caffeine addict that I am, I had Starbucks, Coke Zero, and Tea. If I have to choose between the two (and apparently I do) I'm taking the caffeine.

I'm finding my fantasy team, Clover Valley, in early season peril. With my #1 pick hurt things just aren't looking too good. Unless Tony Romo has a great game tonight I will fall to 1-2. Noooooooooooooo!!! I'm not used to this, and do not like it ONE BIT.

I woke up at 3am this morning, certain that it was 5am and time to get up. By the time I fell back asleep I might as well have just gotten up.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Covered the Spread

The results of Alabama's first SEC matchup of the season are in...

BAMA 35, ARKANSAS 7




I think a lot of people (myself included) have had questions about just how good Bama really is leading up to the game. The following article addresses just that.



An honest question: Is Alabama the best team in the country right now?
By Gentry Estes, Mobile Press-Register
September 27, 2009, 1:01PM


A relatively weak slate of national games (aren't those always the weekends that produce the major shifts, by the way?) lured several heavy hitters of the college football journalism world into the press box at Bryant-Denny Stadium yesterday to watch Alabama beat up on a 17-point underdog.

Yet the manner in which the Tide dispatched Arkansas left pretty much all of them reaching the same basic conclusion: Alabama is the playing the best college football in the nation right now.



Take Matt Hayes of The Sporting News, for example ...

One team now clearly stands alone among all the uncertainty. ... It's Alabama. And frankly, it's not that close.

The Tide's latest seal clubbing, a 35-7 victory over Arkansas, underscored all that is right with the most complete team in the nation. And very little of what's wrong.



ESPN.com's Chris Low echoed that in his story from Tuscaloosa ...

(Bobby) Petrino said the Hogs came into the game not really believing they could win.

That says something about where the Hogs are as a football team, but it says a lot more about where the Crimson Tide are.

A month into the season, they’re sitting at the top of the college football world and looking down at everybody else.



Andy Staples of SI.com didn't go so far as to call Alabama the nation's best team, but he did use his typically outstanding prose to explain how the Tide is perceived.

Alabama is the football equivalent of Honda, cranking out a reliable, dependable, un-sexy product that will roll for 300,000 miles as long as Nick Saban keeps changing the oil.

If all this sounds boring, it's not. There's something comforting in a team built to dominate both lines of scrimmage. There's a touch of they-don't-make-em-like-that-anymore nostalgia for team that still uses the run to set up the pass.



My how things have changed around this program. Compare all this love to last year's win at Arkansas, which caused barely a ripple on the national scene, or the Tide's misery that marked the final month of the 2007 regular season.

For what it's worth, this week's top 25 polls still have the Crimson Tide at No. 3, though the gap is starting to slim between UA and No. 2 Texas.

Alabama also picked up a new No. 1 vote in the AP poll ... Ray Ratto of the San Francisco Chronicle hopped on the bandwagon with the two original voters and last week's inclusion, John Adams of the Knoxville News-Sentinel.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Things You Never Knew Existed

I've moved past "something funny" and on to a web site called "Things You Never Knew Existed." Of course I'm going to point out a few, but if you want to see all the things you never knew existed, here is the link: Things You Never Knew Existed


If you know me at all then you will understand why the first category I clicked on is Farting Things. It did not disappoint.

First up, THE POOTER:



"The Pooter makes the most realistic farting noises known to man! Using this soft rubber device is a gas! Just squeeze for funny, farting fun."

The pic is hilarious. A grown man covering his mouth like a school girl and going "teeeheee, teeeeheeee!" I guess that's what "funny, farting fun" is all about.

Next, the always popular POOP SOAP:



"Sure to cause outrageous bathroom double-takes! Completely usable poop soaps smell great but looks like a genuine you-know-what! Choose plain poop or corn poop. Soaps can vary slightly in shape and color--just like real ones! Yeeech!"

Hmmm, choose plain poop or corn poop? Sweeeet!

Seriously, who HASN'T ever wondered what it would be like to wash your face with a turd? I bet they have a hard time keeping these in stock!

Want to traumatize your potty mouthed kid? Make them was their mouth out with THIS soap! (I'll need video, please.)

Or for some real fun, play the prank using the fake one first, "Yeah, you got me good!" yada, yada, yada...then replace it with a REAL one the next day. Trust me. It will be tons 'o fun. Just be sure to prep yourself if you decide to go the "corn poop" route.


Lastly, BELCH POWDER PRANK:



"Give your friends a bubbly personality. Mix into hot drink then retreat to a safe distance!"

Again, funny image. Looks like he is crying. Is burping all that traumatizing?

I'm not convinced that this prank is even funny. Half the people I know need to burp LESS not MORE. Yes, that includes me.

Want to make someone burp? Give 'em a Pabst Blue Ribbon, instruct them to chug it, then just watch the magic happen.

I say Belch Powder is for sissies. Teeeeeheeeee! Oops...dammit!!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Something Funny

Nancy bolted out the door again this a.m. when we left for work. I will no longer feel sorry for her if the neighborhood male kitty sex offender gets her. Period.

Out of boredom, and needing a laugh, I googled "something funny" and selected images.

Results?



Thanks for letting me know, but what the hell was it???





Good Lord! How did this get listed under "something funny"???????????


BTW...this image is titled goiter.

A quick search to find out what the hell a goiter is turned up this: "A goiter is an enlargement of the thyroid gland. It is not cancer."

Well, thank God for that, but I still think he might want to see a doctor.




Mildly funny, but mostly scary.



NOTE TO SELF: Don't google "something funny" ever again.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bunk

Our kitty, Nancy, has fleas. We had to buy medicine. I still say she was raped yesterday. At the very least, molested. I think a full scale investigation should be launched. But what if our boy cat Sid is a suspect? He sure has taken a lot of naps lately. Hmmm...

Monday and Tuesday I felt like it was Wednesday. I'm glad tomorrow is Wednesday, so I can feel it correctly. But then maybe tomorrow I will feel like it's Thursday or Friday? Crap.

I've already confessed this to Mrs. Leslie, so it should be safe to blog about at this point...

There is a woman at work that is very attractive. So much so that it throws me off my normal natural smoothness course when she comes around. I always manage to jumble my words, say something stupid, or just plain act mildly retarded when she is speaking to me.

So the other day I stop in the restroom for a quick #1. Drop trow, get seated, and then I hear high heels enter the room and go into the stall RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Now I know that this woman ALWAYS wears high heels, and I immediately think to myself that there is no way in hell that this could be her. But what if it is?

I have two Starbucks Verona's in my bladder screaming to get out, but the thought is freezing me up. It's quiet. Too quiet. She isn't peeing either, so that means we are both suffering at this point. I'm doing all I can...picturing Niagra Falls, etc. Basically praying for someone to come in and turn the sink on, when I finally hear this person next to me start to pee.

About half way through I relax enough to go. By the time I'm finished this person is out washing her hands. I exit the stall, and who is there? Yep, her. No way! Yes, way.

We make small talk, which I botch, and leave the restroom forever knowing that we caused each other pee-ers anxiety.

Where was the Golden Avenger when I needed her? One motorized scooter ram into the stall door and I would have been able to do nothing BUT pee. Oh well, serves me right for paying attention to anyone other that the Mrs.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Done In

I couldn't blog this weekend because I was done in from football overload. I watched from 11am until 11:30pm Saturday. Not a record, but close.

My Tide won big...

ALABAMA 53, NORTH TEXAS 7




There were STILL several mistakes. Including TWO missed extra points, and several bad snaps. These type things have got to be corrected. Period. We play Arkansas on Saturday, and from what I watched of the Arkansas/Georgia game, they are pretty good.

Nancy slipped out the door when we left this morning, and remained outside all day long. We were very worried when she wasn't waiting at the door when we got home, but she showed up very shortly after. She looked kind of roughed up, and I said I thought she had been raped, but Michelle says no.

My Clover Valley Stoners fantasy team lost by a hefty margin this week. Having LT out really hurt, but I don't think having him in would have won it for me. My players had some tough matchups. I don't like having a loss this early in the season...especially since the bye weeks haven't even started yet. :(

Random notes:

1) It's done nothing but rain here for a week straight. I feel certain that if I went outside and looked toward the sky for any amount of time I would surely drown.

2) Squeezed in two movies yesterday: Knock, Knock (horror) and The Class (Foreign). Both were stinksville.

3) My brother introduced me to a new liquor I'd never tried, Jeremiah Weed. It's a vodka sweet tea. I made my drink too strong, but drank it anyway. I give it a thumbs up based on name alone. Every true Southern should drink it on a daily basis.

Here's a pic of the bottle, just so you know what to look for when you hit the liquor store...

Friday, September 18, 2009

Avenger Sighting

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that when I came busting through the double doors at work and spotted the Golden Avenger sitting outside the FITNESS CENTER my heart skipped a beat. Fitness Center? Wow, was my interest level piqued!

Alas, I was busy and had to keep moving.

Later in the day I was rewarded when at lunch I again spotted the Golden Avenger zipping through the dining center...this time with a driver!

I had pictured the driver looking like this:



However, what I saw was more along the lines of this:



Actually, that photo is VERY close to an exact match. Not my super hero of vengeance. She didn't even look mean. I doubt she's has ever so much as taken out a knee. I'm disappointed. Makes me almost wish I had just continued to spot the ride and not the rider.

Oh well, I have a full day of football, family, and Coors Light tomorrow to console me.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Golden Avenger = No Show

I'm disappointed to report that the Golden Avenger rider has been a no show. That's ok though...I've got nothing but time. My only regret is that I no longer have a camera phone. But really, is The Avenger rider going to be all that impressive? It's not like catching a glimpse of The Great Pumpkin...or Santa Claus...or is it? Guess we'll have to wait and find out.

My fantasy team, Clover Valley Stoners, did win our first game. I have a tougher opponent this week. Crossing my fingers that my guys perform.

There are a lot of good college games this weekend, including Florida vs. Tennessee. Even if you don't pull for either of these teams, it will be interesting to watch because of the fired up battle between the coaches, Urban Myer and Lane Kiffin:



Kiffin has accused Myer of cheating:

"Just so you know, when a recruit's on another campus, you can't call a recruit on another campus," Kiffin said. "I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn't get him."

Ouch.

Kiffin also dropped this little nugget:

"I'm really looking forward to embracing some of the great traditions at the University of Tennessee, for instance the Vol Walk, running through the T, singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida next year, it will be a blast".

The previous quote is now pasted up in the Florida locker room. Ruh roh.


According to ESPN's Gene Wojciechowski:

"Kiffin has a flamethrower strapped to his back and is aiming the nozzle at the entire conference. The scorched-earth policy gets you cheap applause at a winter breakfast in Knoxville, but what happens when Tennessee travels to Florida in September, or to Alabama in October? You think Bama followers despised former UT coach Phillip Fulmer? Wait until Oct. 24 at Tuscaloosa."

I do believe Kiffin is about to pay dearly for spewing crapola at the #1 team in the nation. What I will be tuning in to see is just how bad it gets.

Go on now, Mr. Big Mouth, go get you some!




As if I needed more, Bama plays North Texas, Auburn plays West Virginia, and Arkansas plays Georgia. I'll be like a kid in a candy store!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Golden Avenger

At work today I got off the elevator, rounded the corner, and ran right into this:



It was sitting there with no owner in sight. I immediately started having mental images of hopping on and taking it for a spin...catching a wheel when I gunned it...wind in my hair...expending no energy other than to throttle or brake...hot chicks fighting over who got to ride in my lap...when I was slapped back into reality by a big sticker on the back fender. It read: Golden Avenger.

Now Golden it was not. But Avenger?

By definition, avenger means: 1. To inflict a punishment or penalty in return for; revenge: 2. To take vengeance on behalf of.

What marketing genius decided to call this master of mobility an Avenger, and why???

I have one guess:

The owner of the Golden Avenger is furious at the world for whatever has caused he/she to no longer be able to walk. He or she has now become an avenger for the cause. With the help of the trusty Golden Avenger, he or she can now ride about running over feet, backing into stomachs, ramming into knee caps, and getting the best parking spaces 100% of the time.

So where was the owner of this piece of punishment giving steel beauty? If he or she could WALK then why the hell have a Golden Avenger in the first place? I hung around as long as I could trying to catch a glimpse, but never did.

Until I see otherwise, I'm just going to imagine the rider of the Golden Avenger looks identical to this:

Monday, September 14, 2009

Greedy

Bama 40, Florida International 14




Sure, you can call me just another greedy Alabama fan, but I really don't think Florida International should have been allowed to put up 14 points against us. We are supposed to have one of the top defenses in the country. I think if there is a week spot with the team right now it lies in Special Teams. Too many yards allowed on kick and punts returns is almost always going to come back to bite you in the butt.

In fantasy football news, my team, the Clover Valley Stoners is up 98.8 to the Vincent Vipers 67.9. I still have LaDainian Tomlinson and Zach Miller to go in tonight's games. He has Philip Rivers. I think I am safe. I'd like to say that I am going to watch every minute of that game, but it's doesn't come on until 9:15pm CT, and I was up at 4am (after about 5 hours of sleep) so making it to half-time is going to be a feat in itself.

Two movie watches over the weekend: 21...not bad. Noise...skip it.

Photo of the day:



Good...I'm safe.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Crush

It's fairly easy to find deals on menthol cigarettes, and I'm willing to smoke pretty much any brand so long as they are menthol. So when we stopped at Texaco and saw these on sale I was willing to take a chance:



The deal with these is that they can be EITHER menthol or regular, depending on whether or not you decide to crush whatever the little device hiding in the butt is.

I'm having a few issues with this. For starters, even when crushed, they don't seem minty enough to be considered menthol. Then there is the problem of forgetting to crush the damn thing before you light it.

But I'm not blogging to review them, but to pose this question: Why would anyone make this their smoke on a permanent basis? Real smokers fall into one of the two categories: menthol or regular. Never both.

I guess if you are generous with your expensive cancer sticks, AND find yourself surrounded by cigarette bums on a daily basis, AND want to be nice enough to provide either option to said bums, then yeah, I guess I can see it. Otherwise? No.

The other thing I want to talk about today is this:



I guess it's a thriller, and it was pretty decent overall, but I want to give a warning to anyone considering letting their young and/or impressionable children watch it...it has a horrible, graphic, long lasting rape scene in the unrated version. I'm sure it's probably in the theatrical version too, but most likely on a less vile scale. There, I've done my good dead for the day.

'Bama is on pay-per-view today, so I will be listening to the game on the radio while watching Auburn/Mississippi State on tv. I will also be drinking beer and eating Cheetos. Yes, life is good.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Ride the Zipper

Going back to work after four days off was HARD.

Even though I only have a three day work week this time around, still HARD.

The fact that everyone EXCEPT me has just been reduced to a four day work week because of this stupid economy and I will have to do their work plus mine? SUPER HARD (but at least my paychecks won't be looking pitiful).

What did we watch this week? Revolutionary Road. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say about 7'ish. If you rent it be prepared, it's two hours long.

I was wrong about the football polls. They weren't released until Tuesday. 'Bama moved up one spot to #4. We have cream puff games the next two weeks before moving on to play Arkansas.

NFL kicks off tonight. I don't have any of my fantasy players in the game, but my opponent this week does. Chris Johnson, I hope you stink!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Labor (Not) Day

No labor for us today. Noooo sir. None for me tomorrow either, though poor Michelle has to go back. I was thinking about firing up the grill, but I'm feeling particularly lazy today, and going to the store sounds like work.

I'm scratching my head at how Oklahoma lost, and lost their QB, yet still remained at #3 in the polls??? I really don't get it.

Michelle has fixed up a sitting area on the side of the house and is forever asking me to go sit out there with her. To date I've only agreed once, choosing instead to stay inside with the A/C, and blood sucking mosquito bite free. I agreed to go last night though. We toted the cats, and booze, and headed out.

While out there I schooled Michelle on the legend that is Paul Bear Bryant. I'm happy to report that she lasted a really long time before her eyes started to glaze over and she started staring off into space.

She's making football love progress. I'm not saying she'll be in love this season, or next, or even the next. But I can promise you this, there will come a morning on some Saturday where she wakes up, looks at me, and we exclaim in unison, "Game Day!"

Until then, I wait...

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Good Start

BAMA 34, VIRGINIA TECH 24.

Alabama's fourth quarter rally beats Virginia Tech 34-24




I won't claim that the whole thing was pretty on our part, but considering it was the first game, and against a really good #7 ranked Tech, I'm pleased.

What I'm not pleased with is the fact that I am completely bloated from the beer, cheese dip and chili dogs. Pass me some Tums please...or maybe some Ex-Lax.

Speaking of beer, this is what I am reading this week:



Pint Size Ireland


I don't like Guinness. In fact, it's the only beer I've ever run across that I don't like. This book just might help me to see that mud water in a different light. At the very least, a book about beer is always a good thing.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

College Gameday

And it's on. College Gameday live in Atlanta. My heart just skipped a beat. Lee Corso better throw on the "Big Al" head for his prediction at the end. Win or lose, 7pm tonight can not come soon enough!

Let's kick a little bit of this...



A healthy dose of that...



And, uhhhhh...



Hey! Where did THAT come from?!?!? ;)

Friday, September 4, 2009

Skippy!

It certainly felt good to watch some college football last night. Similar to going away for an extended period of time, and then going home again to sleep in your own comfy bed. Ahhhhhh...hold me.

I'm going to try to sleep late in the morning because the Bama / Virginia Tech game doesn't start until 7pm tomorrow night. If my calculations are correct, we shouldn't get home until after midnight. Being the old timer that I am now, staying out until such a late hour has to be prepared for.

I hope my mini vacation doesn't pass by too quickly. I need a good break so I can go back refreshed and plow ahead to Thanksgiving.

Seemingly good news in the ongoing fridge saga...repair man showed up yesterday afternoon, and it SEEMS to be fixed, again. I know this much, we won't be making another major trip to the grocery store until at least several days have passed with it going strong. I had to throw away God only knows how many $$'s worth of food when it re-crapped out.

I haven't graced Taco Bell in several weeks now, and do believe tonight would be a good time to run for the border.

Oh, and don't rent this movie:



It's bunk. A craptacular version of The First Wives Club, except less funny, less witty, and less watchable (unless you like watching paint dry, and in that case, knock yourself out).