Opinions

Let's see what babies have to say about my sub-par fantasy football team...



Damn, baby! Take it easy! At least I don't poop and pee my pants! (not often anyway)


Let's try the abominable snowman...



Oh, is that so? Now tell me how you really feel.

Don't make me kick ya where the good Lord split ya, brotha!



Edna Garrett???



Ha! I knew someone would be on my side! Come on baby cakes, I'm taking you to Sizzler!

Eeeek!

I took some new diet pills today in a effort to shed some of the "love pounds" I've put on the past year and a half. Took two in the morning and two in the afternoon. Never again. A few times I felt like I was going to pass out, a few times I felt like was going to puke, and about ten times I was sure my heart was going to explode.

It could have had something to do with the strict warning not to have caffeine while taking them, and being the caffeine addict that I am, I had Starbucks, Coke Zero, and Tea. If I have to choose between the two (and apparently I do) I'm taking the caffeine.

I'm finding my fantasy team, Clover Valley, in early season peril. With my #1 pick hurt things just aren't looking too good. Unless Tony Romo has a great game tonight I will fall to 1-2. Noooooooooooooo!!! I'm not used to this, and do not like it ONE BIT.

I woke up at 3am this morning, certain that it was 5am and time to get up. By the time I fell back asleep I might as well have just gotten up.

Covered the Spread

The results of Alabama's first SEC matchup of the season are in...

BAMA 35, ARKANSAS 7



I think a lot of people (myself included) have had questions about just how good Bama really is leading up to the game. The following article addresses just that.



An honest question: Is Alabama the best team in the country right now?
By Gentry Estes, Mobile Press-Register
September 27, 2009, 1:01PM


A relatively weak slate of national games (aren't those always the weekends that produce the major shifts, by the way?) lured several heavy hitters of the college football journalism world into the press box at Bryant-Denny Stadium yesterday to watch Alabama beat up on a 17-point underdog.

Yet the manner in which the Tide dispatched Arkansas left pretty much all of them reaching the same basic conclusion: Alabama is the playing the best college football in the nation right now.



Take Matt Hayes of The Sporting News, for example ...

One team now clearly stands alone among all the uncertainty. ... It's Alabama. And frankly, it's not that close.

The Tide's latest seal clubbing, a 35-7 victory over Arkansas, underscored all that is right with the most complete team in the nation. And very little of what's wrong.



ESPN.com's Chris Low echoed that in his story from Tuscaloosa ...

(Bobby) Petrino said the Hogs came into the game not really believing they could win.

That says something about where the Hogs are as a football team, but it says a lot more about where the Crimson Tide are.

A month into the season, they’re sitting at the top of the college football world and looking down at everybody else.



Andy Staples of SI.com didn't go so far as to call Alabama the nation's best team, but he did use his typically outstanding prose to explain how the Tide is perceived.

Alabama is the football equivalent of Honda, cranking out a reliable, dependable, un-sexy product that will roll for 300,000 miles as long as Nick Saban keeps changing the oil.

If all this sounds boring, it's not. There's something comforting in a team built to dominate both lines of scrimmage. There's a touch of they-don't-make-em-like-that-anymore nostalgia for team that still uses the run to set up the pass.



My how things have changed around this program. Compare all this love to last year's win at Arkansas, which caused barely a ripple on the national scene, or the Tide's misery that marked the final month of the 2007 regular season.

For what it's worth, this week's top 25 polls still have the Crimson Tide at No. 3, though the gap is starting to slim between UA and No. 2 Texas.

Alabama also picked up a new No. 1 vote in the AP poll ... Ray Ratto of the San Francisco Chronicle hopped on the bandwagon with the two original voters and last week's inclusion, John Adams of the Knoxville News-Sentinel.

Things You Never Knew Existed

I've moved past "something funny" and on to a web site called "Things You Never Knew Existed." Of course I'm going to point out a few, but if you want to see all the things you never knew existed, here is the link: Things You Never Knew Existed


If you know me at all then you will understand why the first category I clicked on is Farting Things. It did not disappoint.

First up, THE POOTER:



"The Pooter makes the most realistic farting noises known to man! Using this soft rubber device is a gas! Just squeeze for funny, farting fun."

The pic is hilarious. A grown man covering his mouth like a school girl and going "teeeheee, teeeeheeee!" I guess that's what "funny, farting fun" is all about.

Next, the always popular POOP SOAP:



"Sure to cause outrageous bathroom double-takes! Completely usable poop soaps smell great but looks like a genuine you-know-what! Choose plain poop or corn poop. Soaps can vary slightly in shape and color--just like real ones! Yeeech!"

Hmmm, choose plain poop or corn poop? Sweeeet!

Seriously, who HASN'T ever wondered what it would be like to wash your face with a turd? I bet they have a hard time keeping these in stock!

Want to traumatize your potty mouthed kid? Make them was their mouth out with THIS soap! (I'll need video, please.)

Or for some real fun, play the prank using the fake one first, "Yeah, you got me good!" yada, yada, yada...then replace it with a REAL one the next day. Trust me. It will be tons 'o fun. Just be sure to prep yourself if you decide to go the "corn poop" route.


Lastly, BELCH POWDER PRANK:



"Give your friends a bubbly personality. Mix into hot drink then retreat to a safe distance!"

Again, funny image. Looks like he is crying. Is burping all that traumatizing?

I'm not convinced that this prank is even funny. Half the people I know need to burp LESS not MORE. Yes, that includes me.

Want to make someone burp? Give 'em a Pabst Blue Ribbon, instruct them to chug it, then just watch the magic happen.

I say Belch Powder is for sissies. Teeeeeheeeee! Oops...dammit!!!

Something Funny

Nancy bolted out the door again this a.m. when we left for work. I will no longer feel sorry for her if the neighborhood male kitty sex offender gets her. Period.

Out of boredom, and needing a laugh, I googled "something funny" and selected images.

Results?



Thanks for letting me know, but what the hell was it???




Good Lord! How did this get listed under "something funny"???????????

BTW...this image is titled goiter.

A quick search to find out what the hell a goiter is turned up this: "A goiter is an enlargement of the thyroid gland. It is not cancer."

Well, thank God for that, but I still think he might want to see a doctor.




Mildly funny, but mostly scary.


NOTE TO SELF: Don't google "something funny" ever again.

Bunk

Our kitty, Nancy, has fleas. We had to buy medicine. I still say she was raped yesterday. At the very least, molested. I think a full scale investigation should be launched. But what if our boy cat Sid is a suspect? He sure has taken a lot of naps lately. Hmmm...

Monday and Tuesday I felt like it was Wednesday. I'm glad tomorrow is Wednesday, so I can feel it correctly. But then maybe tomorrow I will feel like it's Thursday or Friday? Crap.

I've already confessed this to Mrs. Leslie, so it should be safe to blog about at this point...

There is a woman at work that is very attractive. So much so that it throws me off my normal natural smoothness course when she comes around. I always manage to jumble my words, say something stupid, or just plain act mildly retarded when she is speaking to me.

So the other day I stop in the restroom for a quick #1. Drop trow, get seated, and then I hear high heels enter the room and go into the stall RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Now I know that this woman ALWAYS wears high heels, and I immediately think to myself that there is no way in hell that this could be her. But what if it is?

I have two Starbucks Verona's in my bladder screaming to get out, but the thought is freezing me up. It's quiet. Too quiet. She isn't peeing either, so that means we are both suffering at this point. I'm doing all I can...picturing Niagra Falls, etc. Basically praying for someone to come in and turn the sink on, when I finally hear this person next to me start to pee.

About half way through I relax enough to go. By the time I'm finished this person is out washing her hands. I exit the stall, and who is there? Yep, her. No way! Yes, way.

We make small talk, which I botch, and leave the restroom forever knowing that we caused each other pee-ers anxiety.

Where was the Golden Avenger when I needed her? One motorized scooter ram into the stall door and I would have been able to do nothing BUT pee. Oh well, serves me right for paying attention to anyone other that the Mrs.

Done In

I couldn't blog this weekend because I was done in from football overload. I watched from 11am until 11:30pm Saturday. Not a record, but close.

My Tide won big...

ALABAMA 53, NORTH TEXAS 7



There were STILL several mistakes. Including TWO missed extra points, and several bad snaps. These type things have got to be corrected. Period. We play Arkansas on Saturday, and from what I watched of the Arkansas/Georgia game, they are pretty good.

Nancy slipped out the door when we left this morning, and remained outside all day long. We were very worried when she wasn't waiting at the door when we got home, but she showed up very shortly after. She looked kind of roughed up, and I said I thought she had been raped, but Michelle says no.

My Clover Valley Stoners fantasy team lost by a hefty margin this week. Having LT out really hurt, but I don't think having him in would have won it for me. My players had some tough matchups. I don't like having a loss this early in the season...especially since the bye weeks haven't even started yet. :(

Random notes:

1) It's done nothing but rain here for a week straight. I feel certain that if I went outside and looked toward the sky for any amount of time I would surely drown.

2) Squeezed in two movies yesterday: Knock, Knock (horror) and The Class (Foreign). Both were stinksville.

3) My brother introduced me to a new liquor I'd never tried, Jeremiah Weed. It's a vodka sweet tea. I made my drink too strong, but drank it anyway. I give it a thumbs up based on name alone. Every true Southern should drink it on a daily basis.

Here's a pic of the bottle, just so you know what to look for when you hit the liquor store...

Avenger Sighting

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that when I came busting through the double doors at work and spotted the Golden Avenger sitting outside the FITNESS CENTER my heart skipped a beat. Fitness Center? Wow, was my interest level piqued!

Alas, I was busy and had to keep moving.

Later in the day I was rewarded when at lunch I again spotted the Golden Avenger zipping through the dining center...this time with a driver!

I had pictured the driver looking like this:



However, what I saw was more along the lines of this:



Actually, that photo is VERY close to an exact match. Not my super hero of vengeance. She didn't even look mean. I doubt she's has ever so much as taken out a knee. I'm disappointed. Makes me almost wish I had just continued to spot the ride and not the rider.

Oh well, I have a full day of football, family, and Coors Light tomorrow to console me.

Golden Avenger = No Show

I'm disappointed to report that the Golden Avenger rider has been a no show. That's ok though...I've got nothing but time. My only regret is that I no longer have a camera phone. But really, is The Avenger rider going to be all that impressive? It's not like catching a glimpse of The Great Pumpkin...or Santa Claus...or is it? Guess we'll have to wait and find out.

My fantasy team, Clover Valley Stoners, did win our first game. I have a tougher opponent this week. Crossing my fingers that my guys perform.

There are a lot of good college games this weekend, including Florida vs. Tennessee. Even if you don't pull for either of these teams, it will be interesting to watch because of the fired up battle between the coaches, Urban Myer and Lane Kiffin:



Kiffin has accused Myer of cheating:

"Just so you know, when a recruit's on another campus, you can't call a recruit on another campus," Kiffin said. "I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn't get him."

Ouch.

Kiffin also dropped this little nugget:

"I'm really looking forward to embracing some of the great traditions at the University of Tennessee, for instance the Vol Walk, running through the T, singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida next year, it will be a blast".

The previous quote is now pasted up in the Florida locker room. Ruh roh.


According to ESPN's Gene Wojciechowski:

"Kiffin has a flamethrower strapped to his back and is aiming the nozzle at the entire conference. The scorched-earth policy gets you cheap applause at a winter breakfast in Knoxville, but what happens when Tennessee travels to Florida in September, or to Alabama in October? You think Bama followers despised former UT coach Phillip Fulmer? Wait until Oct. 24 at Tuscaloosa."

I do believe Kiffin is about to pay dearly for spewing crapola at the #1 team in the nation. What I will be tuning in to see is just how bad it gets.

Go on now, Mr. Big Mouth, go get you some!




As if I needed more, Bama plays North Texas, Auburn plays West Virginia, and Arkansas plays Georgia. I'll be like a kid in a candy store!

Golden Avenger

At work today I got off the elevator, rounded the corner, and ran right into this:



It was sitting there with no owner in sight. I immediately started having mental images of hopping on and taking it for a spin...catching a wheel when I gunned it...wind in my hair...expending no energy other than to throttle or brake...hot chicks fighting over who got to ride in my lap...when I was slapped back into reality by a big sticker on the back fender. It read: Golden Avenger.

Now Golden it was not. But Avenger?

By definition, avenger means: 1. To inflict a punishment or penalty in return for; revenge: 2. To take vengeance on behalf of.

What marketing genius decided to call this master of mobility an Avenger, and why???

I have one guess:

The owner of the Golden Avenger is furious at the world for whatever has caused he/she to no longer be able to walk. He or she has now become an avenger for the cause. With the help of the trusty Golden Avenger, he or she can now ride about running over feet, backing into stomachs, ramming into knee caps, and getting the best parking spaces 100% of the time.

So where was the owner of this piece of punishment giving steel beauty? If he or she could WALK then why the hell have a Golden Avenger in the first place? I hung around as long as I could trying to catch a glimpse, but never did.

Until I see otherwise, I'm just going to imagine the rider of the Golden Avenger looks identical to this:

Greedy

Bama 40, Florida International 14



Sure, you can call me just another greedy Alabama fan, but I really don't think Florida International should have been allowed to put up 14 points against us. We are supposed to have one of the top defenses in the country. I think if there is a week spot with the team right now it lies in Special Teams. Too many yards allowed on kick and punts returns is almost always going to come back to bite you in the butt.

In fantasy football news, my team, the Clover Valley Stoners is up 98.8 to the Vincent Vipers 67.9. I still have LaDainian Tomlinson and Zach Miller to go in tonight's games. He has Philip Rivers. I think I am safe. I'd like to say that I am going to watch every minute of that game, but it's doesn't come on until 9:15pm CT, and I was up at 4am (after about 5 hours of sleep) so making it to half-time is going to be a feat in itself.

Two movie watches over the weekend: 21...not bad. Noise...skip it.

Photo of the day:



Good...I'm safe.

Crush

It's fairly easy to find deals on menthol cigarettes, and I'm willing to smoke pretty much any brand so long as they are menthol. So when we stopped at Texaco and saw these on sale I was willing to take a chance:



The deal with these is that they can be EITHER menthol or regular, depending on whether or not you decide to crush whatever the little device hiding in the butt is.

I'm having a few issues with this. For starters, even when crushed, they don't seem minty enough to be considered menthol. Then there is the problem of forgetting to crush the damn thing before you light it.

But I'm not blogging to review them, but to pose this question: Why would anyone make this their smoke on a permanent basis? Real smokers fall into one of the two categories: menthol or regular. Never both.

I guess if you are generous with your expensive cancer sticks, AND find yourself surrounded by cigarette bums on a daily basis, AND want to be nice enough to provide either option to said bums, then yeah, I guess I can see it. Otherwise? No.

The other thing I want to talk about today is this:



I guess it's a thriller, and it was pretty decent overall, but I want to give a warning to anyone considering letting their young and/or impressionable children watch it...it has a horrible, graphic, long lasting rape scene in the unrated version. I'm sure it's probably in the theatrical version too, but most likely on a less vile scale. There, I've done my good dead for the day.

'Bama is on pay-per-view today, so I will be listening to the game on the radio while watching Auburn/Mississippi State on tv. I will also be drinking beer and eating Cheetos. Yes, life is good.

Ride the Zipper

Going back to work after four days off was HARD.

Even though I only have a three day work week this time around, still HARD.

The fact that everyone EXCEPT me has just been reduced to a four day work week because of this stupid economy and I will have to do their work plus mine? SUPER HARD (but at least my paychecks won't be looking pitiful).

What did we watch this week? Revolutionary Road. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say about 7'ish. If you rent it be prepared, it's two hours long.

I was wrong about the football polls. They weren't released until Tuesday. 'Bama moved up one spot to #4. We have cream puff games the next two weeks before moving on to play Arkansas.

NFL kicks off tonight. I don't have any of my fantasy players in the game, but my opponent this week does. Chris Johnson, I hope you stink!

Labor (Not) Day

No labor for us today. Noooo sir. None for me tomorrow either, though poor Michelle has to go back. I was thinking about firing up the grill, but I'm feeling particularly lazy today, and going to the store sounds like work.

I'm scratching my head at how Oklahoma lost, and lost their QB, yet still remained at #3 in the polls??? I really don't get it.

Michelle has fixed up a sitting area on the side of the house and is forever asking me to go sit out there with her. To date I've only agreed once, choosing instead to stay inside with the A/C, and blood sucking mosquito bite free. I agreed to go last night though. We toted the cats, and booze, and headed out.

While out there I schooled Michelle on the legend that is Paul Bear Bryant. I'm happy to report that she lasted a really long time before her eyes started to glaze over and she started staring off into space.

She's making football love progress. I'm not saying she'll be in love this season, or next, or even the next. But I can promise you this, there will come a morning on some Saturday where she wakes up, looks at me, and we exclaim in unison, "Game Day!"

Until then, I wait...

Good Start

BAMA 34, VIRGINIA TECH 24.

Alabama's fourth quarter rally beats Virginia Tech 34-24



I won't claim that the whole thing was pretty on our part, but considering it was the first game, and against a really good #7 ranked Tech, I'm pleased.

What I'm not pleased with is the fact that I am completely bloated from the beer, cheese dip and chili dogs. Pass me some Tums please...or maybe some Ex-Lax.

Speaking of beer, this is what I am reading this week:



Pint Size Ireland

I don't like Guinness. In fact, it's the only beer I've ever run across that I don't like. This book just might help me to see that mud water in a different light. At the very least, a book about beer is always a good thing.

College Gameday

And it's on. College Gameday live in Atlanta. My heart just skipped a beat. Lee Corso better throw on the "Big Al" head for his prediction at the end. Win or lose, 7pm tonight can not come soon enough!

Let's kick a little bit of this...



A healthy dose of that...



And, uhhhhh...



Hey! Where did THAT come from?!?!? ;)

Skippy!

It certainly felt good to watch some college football last night. Similar to going away for an extended period of time, and then going home again to sleep in your own comfy bed. Ahhhhhh...hold me.

I'm going to try to sleep late in the morning because the Bama / Virginia Tech game doesn't start until 7pm tomorrow night. If my calculations are correct, we shouldn't get home until after midnight. Being the old timer that I am now, staying out until such a late hour has to be prepared for.

I hope my mini vacation doesn't pass by too quickly. I need a good break so I can go back refreshed and plow ahead to Thanksgiving.

Seemingly good news in the ongoing fridge saga...repair man showed up yesterday afternoon, and it SEEMS to be fixed, again. I know this much, we won't be making another major trip to the grocery store until at least several days have passed with it going strong. I had to throw away God only knows how many $$'s worth of food when it re-crapped out.

I haven't graced Taco Bell in several weeks now, and do believe tonight would be a good time to run for the border.

Oh, and don't rent this movie:



It's bunk. A craptacular version of The First Wives Club, except less funny, less witty, and less watchable (unless you like watching paint dry, and in that case, knock yourself out).

Exhale

Wow, am I tired today.

We went to see Halloween II last night with my brother and his fiance, and then to dinner. Didn't get home until several hours after our bedtime. Halloween was pretty crappy, other than the gore. It was filmed grainy (on purpose), the murder scenes were camera jerky, and he didn't have his mask on for most of the movie - instead wearing a black hoodie. He looked more like the Una-bomber than Michael Myers. There was also an added in extra story line about his mother that was completely dumb and unnecessary.

Tonight I will be going to the wake/viewing of a friend that died tragically of a heart attack at only 34 years old. She left behind a husband and two young children. The whole thing is very sad.

Michelle is off tomorrow, and the fridge repairman is supposed to come back and look into the bunk fridge again. He was supposed to come yesterday but never showed. Guess we'll see.

I finally did take some pics with the new camera.

This is my brother and his boyfriend:



And a short video of my nephew playing: