Halloween III - Season of the Witch

I was excited that AMC's Fright Fest was showing volumes 1-5 of the Halloween movies this week. I wondered if that was really going to include Halloween III, and then was disappointed to find out that indeed this gem was going to be shown.

In case you haven't had the honor of watching it, let me just save you the trouble of trying to choke yourself unconscious and tell you know that this is the WORST HORROR MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

It would probably be enough to just tell you that Michael Myers isn't even in this movie. Well, with the exception of a few seconds where some guys in a bar are watching the real Halloween movie on television. How do you make millions of dollars off of Halloween I & II, knowing full well that Michael Myers is the main attraction, and then follow it up with a sequel that doesn't even include him?!? It boggles the mind.

This is the actual Halloween III bad guy...

Pretty scary guy, right? Wrong. Really, Grandpa? This master of fright owns a company call Silver Shamrock that makes Halloween masks. When kids wear these masks on Halloween night and are exposed to a super annoying horrible music and video combo on TV, they turn into puddles of green ooze.

Of course there has to be someone to stop this sinister plot. Enter Chester the Molester and his Ho...

While he is somewhat concerned about his kids putting on the mask and turning to jello, he is WAY more concerned about getting in the pants of the young, hot thang by his side. Never mind the fact that she is young enough to be his daughter. Does he score? Hell yes. Where is his wife? Home watching the kids of course.


And just how are the kids doing?

"Holy s$#@! Get this freakin' thing off my head. I'm suffocating here! Where is Dad when I need him? Better not be with that skank again! Neeeed....Air....."


Of course Chester and his Ho drop some quarters (or something else metallic and cylindrical) on the head of the bad guys, and save the day...

When it ends you are left sitting there stunned that you made it through the whole movie. I, however, just crawled to the nearest corner and wept.